Yo! I'm Cheri, and I'm stagnating away in BALTIMORE.

I used to be Lady Porsche on the BBS circuit, and no, I don't drive one. But if you look at my car, in the dark, with one eye closed, while wearing sunglasses, it could remotely resemble one. I'm a single parent, with two children, ages 12 and 16. Which means I'm nearly off the deep end at all times and that every major life crises that my children have, happens when I'm either on the toilet, or on the phone. Should the opportunity every occur for me to GO OUT, that's when one of them will puke or something, ya know? Been there? Ever visit someone and before they can leave, they have to fish Dixie cups out of the toilet? That's me. For some of my most wonderful past relationships I've had since I entered singlehood, click here.

By TRADE, I'm a graphic designer for a travel wholesaler. I design those gorgeous brochures that tell ya where to go! Me, well the last place I went was the grocery store.

I have strange pets. Three iguanas, named Beans, Dante and Lizzie. <-That's a picture of her wrecking my curtains. I keep leaving the front door open, but they don't get the hint. I do like 'em though. They're great to threaten people with and majorally cool to scare Trick or Treaters on Halloween. I also have a parakeet named Harley. Harley is a nutcase. She takes rides on the iguanas and after escaping out the front door, was nuts enough to come back. But that's okay. I think she was discouraged when a gang of sparrows decided to kick the ass of the wussy in the blue and yellow suit! I used to have two other loveable and huge iguanas name Dork and Spike. Their fate and mine is described here .

My hobby is answering e-mail asking what my hobbies are. When I'm not doing that, I like to collect junk and dustbunnies in my house. I'm into creative dirty dish stacking and in my car, I collect styrofoam cups and sugar packets.

I'm a fan of Howard Stern but don't tell anybody. And YEAH, I know he can be a jerk so you don't have to remind me!

Something I've always wondered:
Are there roadkill monkeys in Costa Rica?

Things I hate!

For my opinions on other things and a most wonderful almost true story, click here.

I'm totally into alternative/modern rock. Below are some of my favorite groups.

Some of the links aren't working! Don't ya love HTML! It kinda makes you appreciate analytical geometry!

My beautiful daughter, Jenny, likes to hang out in the bathroom.
You know, there's a time portal in there and while we're beating on the door asking if she's still breathing, she's off with Dr. Who. She likes to leave the water running, so we think she's in the shower, but I hear her dropping back in through the roof. Another one of my hobbies.. cold baths and showers.

I'm 39 years old, but that's not my fault. I was conceived when the furniture was paid off. Better than my brother, who was conceived in a drunken stupor on my parent's anniversary. He's still drinking.

This is my son, Ben. He likes to pilfer my Frederick's catalogues.He also likes to watch Power Rangers and the same tapes over and over again until you wish the main characters would become roadkill in the first few frames so you don't have to watch the damn thing again! And those Power Rangers, well, they're all in their late twenties and in high school..you can figure out why. They're all out fighting BAD SPECIAL EFFECTS when they should be in class! That show kinda makes the Godzilla movies look like breakthrough cinematography!

He's also into some really strange toys. His most prized posession is this lovely toy that Santa Claus left for him. It's a most educational and entertaining toy that speaks. Click here for a sample of what I get to hear all day when we're home! School has now started and Ben proudly proclaimed to me, "I have to think up a new list of excuses to get out of school since you know my ones from last year. This is the kid who lost four lunchboxes in school and they were found when his teacher noticed a foul odor coming from his locker. He also conveniently forgets his homework or his books or his bookbag and somewhere floating around in that big black hole of lost things is several checks I've given him for field trips and lunch money. As soon as I add the damn things back into my account though, they'll show up! This is also the kid whom when younger, decorated the bathroom wall with my maxi pads! CLEAN ONES THANK G-D!

Here's a message to all you cyberscum, monkey spanking, perverts who are probably sitting at your terminals with your pants down while your wife is sleeping or to those of you whom haven't seen the light of day in the past 5 years and get their rocks off writing smut to any woman who happens to be on the net. If you want some relief from your pitiful life, click here.

You mean only lost souls have landed on this page? While you're here, can ya take out the trash?

This button is broke just like me!

This button doesn't do squat, just like my kids

BEAR WITH ME! This page is still UNDER CONSTRUCTION! And should something ever seem OUTTA WACK or strange, it's probably because the PUBERTY HOTLINE went off again (aka call waiting which is always for my daughter) and I didn't finish what I was doing!

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Send me some e-mail IF YOU DARE

1995 csaltzma@bcpl.net

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